Recent Realizations

Learning about faith

I don't like the word "faith". It is a tainted word for me, like so many from my childhood. I have trouble using words like "accountability" and phrases like "life-change". These things carry so much weight, so much baggage, that though their meanings vary greatly with context, I find myself purging the language from my vocabulary such that it is difficult to communicate concepts to others. I'm censoring myself to avoid the contaminated language of my past. 

That being said, "faith", or what I am forced to quantify and label that way, is changing for me. 

As a Lutheran, I often contemplate social issues, the things that made me cringe or shy away just a few years ago as an evangelical. Things like abortion, homosexuality, war. Rather than thinking or having my own opinions of these things as a teenager and young adult, I chose to ignore, or assume the view of my parents and surroundings. I had no thoughts of my own; I was fed the ideas I was to believe for the rest of my life. 

As a 24-year old who waited until 21 to go through a rebellious stage, I have a new perspective on life. I don't sit down daily for a "devotion" or "quiet time" as I did/pretended to do in high school and college. I don't read the Bible through in a year, trying desperately to glean a deeper meaning from the genealogies of the Old Testament. Nor do I ensure I go to church EVERY Sunday. Like any adult, my faith has evolved. Unlike many in my specific generation, however, I have not 1) continued down the same path I knew as a child nor 2) left the church entirely. The Lutheran church brought me back from the edge of agnosticism, and I greatly appreciate that daily. 

That being said, I sometimes wonder if I'm really all that different, or if you can take the girl out of evangelicalism, but you can't take evangelicalism out of the girl. It is in my nature to shock and surprise others with the choices I make; it is my way of singling myself out in the times when I don't want to hide under camouflage. 

Is it genuine to refuse to return to my roots? Is it legitimate to recoil at the thought of going to a megachurch, even for a visit, and to regret the experiences and teachings I had in my youth group? My incredible marriage is a result of these things; we fled them together. Therefore nothing can be discounted 100%. It was through the fear and repression that we found the means for love and acceptance, and are free to be ourselves in a new social circle where that is welcomed. 

I spent some time talking with my neighbor outside last night over a few beers and cigarettes. She is 31 and just got married to the man she has been with for the last few years. They are planning to "start a family" soon. We had a long discussion about her readiness for this new adventure in her life, and my extreme fear and dislike of children. She insists that at 24, she had no interest in children either, which is comforting, if not for the fact that everyone else in our previous friend group who got married the year we did now has a 1-year-old. The culture we knew as children supports this: one marries young because they must wait until marriage for sex, then a baby is produced within a reasonable time frame of 1-2 years. 

As a 24 and 25-year-old couple, we see no rush into parenthood. It is not a lie or exaggeration when I tell people that I have nightmares about pregnancy and motherhood. That is my reality every few months. We are very happy as two working adults who are advancing our careers and saving for an eventual home purchase. We also enjoy staying up late (or early, depending on perspective), having friends over, and going out to nightclubs to go dancing. We do not want that responsibility, financially, emotionally, or otherwise. It is not right.

Yet those who have made that choice look down on us as immature and irresponsible. 

I explained this to my friend (who, admittedly, had had a few glasses of wine at the time), and she agreed with my perspective that we are in fact MORE responsible and mature for knowing that it isn't the time or place for that choice, and not rushing into the lifelong commitment that is a child. I also explained our desire to wait until we are older to make permanent decisions against having children (ahem) and if we should change our minds later, to adopt. 

These are the types of things that I feel fly in the face of my upbringing, the things that would be frowned upon by the elders (i.e. men of influence, affluence, or otherwise) of our childhood "church home". Likewise my friendships with several gay or transgendered men, and choice of weekend activities. 

All this to say, I'm Lutheran through and through, and if you don't like it, well. 

Women of Faith Conference 2011

This weekend I was invited by the ladies at our church to attend the Women of Faith conference here in Denver. They had extra tickets paid for, and offered one to me a few weeks ago.

I did not want to go. Being that Women of Faith is a Thomas Nelson Publisher-sponsored event, I knew that it would be, well, evangelically flavored. This is something I run from now, having become Lutheran 3 years ago. But, I also enjoy deconstructing the messages propagated from these events, and once I knew that Austin's conference was the same weekend, I had no excuse. I could critique the shit out of it and not pay a cent- plus I could use public transit, leaving me to come and go as I pleased.

The first session I could make it to after work was Friday night. First, the Pepsi Center is huge. I expected big, but not quite 10,000 conservative Christian women big. Second, there was no free swag, a definite bummer for an expensive conference like this one. I'm always uncomfortable being around so many women too, so that didn't help either.

The conference started that night with a short drama- stereotypes of women as supermom, career woman, accountant, sex kitten. The overall message was that women are multiple people at once, and that the household they left behind for the weekend lost 3 people, not one. The message was also that a man is not capable of managing a household, nor capable of being an intelligent adult.

The next two speakers shared stories about their families: children growing up and leaving for college, loss, suffering. As Saturday rolled around, I saw this was a recurring theme: families make trouble and middle age sucks ass. If I were an impressionable teenager, I would be afraid to ever get married and have a family with messages like this. Hell, I don't want to have kids anyway; this helped confirmed it yet again.

I went to this assuming there would be shitty worship (I was right about this one) and some bad preaching. Problem was, I forgot that this was evangelical women, who don't believe in female pastors (or even educated women) sharing about theology or the faith. So I walked away after hearing depressing stories and lame-ass humor for a few hours. I couldn't take any more of the host who spoke in only syrupy Christianese about each speaker- there was a reason I left 3 years ago.


And yet....



And yet, I wonder this every time I find myself in these situations, these tastes from my evangelical past.

Maybe there is something I'm missing.

Maybe my criticism is too harsh.

Maybe I just need to listen again.

Empty

A few days ago I realized that I'm becoming hollow.

I'm not voraciously reading. I'm not making the new, good friends I hoped I would have by now. I'm not learning.

All I have is my wonderful husband and the piddly, useless job that takes 40 hours of my week. I'm disgruntled and dissatisfied.

The hope I have is that someday I will have job that keeps me busy and paid. That I will get to meet people my age and form deep connections.

I can't write anymore. This job has actually caused me to lose brain power and intelligence. I know it because I can't grasp ideas and form concepts as well as I could when I was still in school. I'm sad that I'm becoming dumber by the day. I want my skills and talents to be respected and, Goddammit, USED for once. College expanded my brain only for it to atrophy only one year later.

I applied for a job at Corporate. It's really my only shot at getting out of this hole. I want to work with genuinely intelligent people again.

I'm selfish when I think of all that I have compared to others, but everyone has their own struggles.

Children

I'm really hurt and angry that all of our "friends" have decided that since we don't have/want children, we aren't a family.

I don't want dogs like they do. I don't want children like they do. They think that having children makes you responsible, and our lack of desire for them means we want to be young and irresponsible. Fuck you.

We're better with our money than most people I know in our age bracket. We'll be out of debt entirely within the next 3 months or so, and we don't buy houses or any other shit we can't afford. We both have jobs. Ones that have benefits. Do they? No.

Marriage

Marriage has always been clearly defined for me. Notice I said "for me". Evangelicals have a very specific, baby boomer friendly, sexist idea of how marriages are "supposed" to be according to God. Because clearly they know exactly what God is thinking. As a result, people my age who have been raised in this segment of the culture, despite being revolutionary 20-somethings in every other aspect of life, have marriages that function the same way their parents' did. Wives are emotionally volatile, unreasonable, selfish brats who get away with treating their husbands like crap. They don't ever say what they really mean, and they don't let their husbands enjoy anything they used to during their bachelor days. Meanwhile, men are passive, trampled, illiterate knuckleheads who can't think for themselves, always have poor hygiene, and spend all day drinking Coors while watching ESPN. They are simple and ignorant. They never understand their wives; women are just too complicated for their puny brains.

Here's my thought: maybe the reason why these women think that there aren't any good men left is because they're too caught in their own emotions and general cattiness to ever attract the good ones. Maybe if they just decided NOT to follow the sexist stereotypes, they'd meet someone decent. Maybe the problem isn't men, but women.

I'm tired of people telling me who I have to be as a wife. Prior to my wedding, when I told people that I expected marriage to be like living with my best friend, I was warned that it wouldn't be easy. Guess who was wrong. My husband is my best friend first, spouse second. How do I know this? We spend hours just talking about life and how we've changed. We don't need to be romantic to show that we care about each other. Sometimes we're friends, sometimes we're romantic and mushy. But we use different languages to differentiate. We've actually formulated different endings to words that are rule-based that only make sense to each other. Being a linguistics major, this is incredibly interesting to me, even though to others it might sound kind of silly and nonsensical. Whatever. It works for us.

During the course of the next few days, I will start a new job. I will make more than my husband. For a lot of husbands, this would cause shame, since men are traditionally seen as heads of household. I think Austin is glad that I'll be the one bringing in more cash; maybe even finds that kind of sexy.

Yesterday, I sewed a purse from a pair of Austin's old cargo shorts that had ripped down the middle from extensive wear. Guess who has claimed the purse for his own? Quote, "I don't think that this purse can get any more feminist. You made it yourself, and you made it out of my PANTS! Of course it's masculine; it's my own frickin' pants! I've found my new weekend bag."

And Injustice for All

The church was probably mainline protestant, but might have been christened Catholic at one time. There were ornate stained-glass windows on both sides of the pews, flanked by elaborate carved wood figures with the occasional covering of gold leaf. The church wasn't full, but it wasn't empty; the pews dotted with silent, bored, elderly members, tired of the pomp and circumstance of every Sunday, but obliged to attend because of their upbringing. It was a rainy windshield in front of a dark gray sky.

When I walked in, I chose to sit on the lefthand side next to two middle-aged, be-sweatered gentlemen. It was closer to the back than the middle, but not far enough that I was in teenage territory. The organ began to bellow behind us, rumbling of psalms and choruses, often sung but usually forgotten. It was an average Sunday, between Epiphany and Lent, and all were prepared for another monotone sermon by the aged pastor, who had been master of the pulpit since 1977.

As the prelude droned, I took stock of those around me. Most were clothed in dark, neutral colors, probably to match the weather of that Sunday. But the two men next to me wore brighter colors in their similar apparel. They were dressed a little too well for church.

Then the murmuring began. I looked up to find a different man standing at the front of the church, clothed in jeans and a denim button-up, forsaking the traditional white robe and sash. It appeared no one knew who he was, but he took charge as though he'd been doing this for centuries. "Fellow followers of Christ," he said, speaking loudly over the now discussion-filled sanctuary, "Your former "pastor", shall we say, is gone this week. I have been led by the Spirit to speak to you today."

At once everyone quieted at this man's daring authority; authority claimed to have been bestowed upon him by God. He began to preach a characteristically evangelical sermon, inserting comments about the game last night, declarations against the music of the popular culture, and laughing about his daughter's latest news at the family dinner table.

Then the tone changed as he caught sight of the two men seated next to me. "Fornicators!" he said, wrinkling his face in anger, "Faggots! You have been found guilty of the unforgivable sin by the Lord our God!"

I stared back at this newcomer, startled. I quickly looked around to see who else was as confused and flustered as I, but it appeared that time stood still; it was only me and the men seated next to me who heard these words. The congregation was paused mid-movement, mid-sneeze.

When I had seated myself next to these men, I knew that they were a couple. It was obvious by the way they spoke in peaceful, happy voices and looked at each other with love in their eyes. I thought nothing of it; they were welcome in this house of worship by unspoken agreement.

Then I noticed their reaction. Neither one looked angry or opened their mouth to fight back; they merely sat, heads down, silent and sad.

The accuser continued his tirade, "You dare to defy God and His laws! Look at yourselves! You are no longer men; you have traded your masculinity in for the ways of woman! Why do you show your unholy faces in this holy place? Don't you know you have committed yourselves eternally to hell? For the Lord has said, "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor HOMOSEXUAL OFFENDERS nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." Do you disagree with Him?!"

As I spoke, I looked to my friends. They nodded, and slowly we began to stand, facing the accuser with tears streaming down our faces. He continued to yell, and it took all that was in me not to yell back. Because that wouldn't help. It wouldn't make him stop. There was nothing we could do but face our accuser and give him what he wanted: the pain that poured silently from our eyes and our hearts.

Eventually, worn out, he began to slow his speech, but began to curse us louder as we turned and slowly walked out of the church into the warm sunshine. I stood with these men, these brothers, and hugged them, begging forgiveness for the accuser, the church, the world.




This was a dream I had 3 nights ago. I'm still learning.

The Role of the Church (Copied from Facebook March 8, 2009)

Obviously, I've switched gears when it comes to church, faith, etc. By some standards, I've become too "liberal" by attending and becoming a member of an ELCA Lutheran church with a woman pastor. But the point is not those church differences that everyone likes to point out. The idea is the community. I like going to a church where there is structure and tradition, based on practices that have been going on for hundreds of years, not shifting based on fads or trends in worship style. I like going to a church where during a lenten meal I talk to a middle-aged gay couple who is open and honest and doesn't have to hide who they are for fear of rejection. We spend so much time in a lot of contemporary churches getting emotionally involved in worship songs just because the key changes stir up feelings and the sermons are fun and encouraging. We go to church to talk to a few people and then go home, lacking community. We spend so much time just "doing God" on our own instead of looking to others. "Quiet times" don't have to be quiet, nor do they have to be done in solitude. Time spent with God can be planting trees in a park with a friend or just rolling around in a field and enjoying the weather. It can be writing a song or sketching a chair. For me, the church service is the tradition, the coming-together of what I believe into a cohesive hour and 15 minutes. But everything else can be unstructured.

But aside from all this, if we really want to get back to the basics, we have to know what the "basics" really are. The basics are the Hebrew people and their history, written and oral, as described in the Old Testament. We have a glimpse into their world that most people skip over because they think the OT is just boring laws that don't apply to us anymore. The NT is a commentary of the OT. How can we understand the NT without the history it is based on?

I got a challenge from my sociology professor to just go out in nature and read the OT out loud, focusing on the oral history of these books and their significance as a study of a people different from our own. It's been awesome so far.

The Hebrews didn't concern themselves with science or accuracy or regiment. They were a passionate people who took God as He appeared to them, without legislating how people should worship. Life was community, and community was worship.

But is that how it is today?
Updated about 11 months ago · Comment ·