Thursday, November 19, 2009
I don't know if a year ago I thought I would be where I am now. Sure, I realized that at this point I'd be a college graduate and married, but did I think that my entire view of life and God would change so much? What happened to thinking? When did it become barely getting by, accepting what happened rather than trying to improve? When did I stop learning and start sitting?
Maybe I have dumbed down my life, or maybe I just realize now that being an intellectual doesn't get you food on the table in the real world. School is a fantasy, a land where what goes on in your head produces tangible results. Now it's just about performing tasks in time and decently well enough so that you end up with a check. I've stopped being a child; I'm now an adult. And I hate it.
Adults have always been boring to me. I always thought it was because they didn't "have any fun". I suppose that's a part, but I think the real reason adults seem to have no passion is because they've ignored the fact that stopping the constant, forced, learning process that everyone hopes to complete actually just takes the life fire right out of you. With no employment or hope of worthwhile, challenging employment on the horizon, I can see how the cubicle turns you into a zombie. Everything I thought would be good about being done with school is in reality what has made me currently disappointed with myself. I'm lazy. I don't think for myself or form any ambitions. My dreams are dead...or were there any to begin with? Where do I go now? Applying for grad school with our empty pocketbook seems the best way to earn money and escape the disappointment of not earning my keep in our marriage. Sure I can clean house and do laundry, but that isn't enough. I was never meant to be a housewife, so this isn't satisfying. And increasingly more, I can't say I was meant to be a mother either, since at the moment the thought of being pregnant is the stuff of literal nightmares.
This may be the stupidest thing I say here (or not), but we are more happily married than I have ever seen a couple in my entire life. It's so normal for us to never fight and think the same thoughts that when I hear of our neighbors arguing about grocery expenditures or fighting about wanting children, I have to count my blessings. This isn't to say that we never exchange harsh words, but everything is so quickly and easily resolved with apologies and a bit of cuddling. It's amazing how physical touch can solve so many issues with us. I wonder sometimes if this is something that would have been equally as helpful had we been dating in the same city the whole time. Maybe not. Either way, it doesn't matter much. We don't ever have to try hard to get along, and with me being unemployed, we're around each other a whole lot. That's a blessing, but also a curse.
Did I ever think I would become Lutheran? If you'd asked me that when I was about 11, I would have told you that there was no way. Today, it seems to fit. After experiencing and reading about the problems with conservative Evangelical Protestantism, I'd rather take the problems with the ELCA. Everything is so different still; I find myself realizing that as a new Lutheran, I'm so lost. After spending years serving the church based on age instead of gifts, I don't know what God has equipped me with. In a church where Austin and I are the only young adults, I am forced to find something new to do. There is no college, no singles, no young-marrieds group. Everyone is together, and most are at least 30 years older than me. But the thing most striking to me is that people are HONEST. As an evangelical it seemed that being truly honest about yourself and your faith was taboo. That it wasn't ok to admit that you have doubts about your faith and questions about God's existence. In my first adult Sunday School class at St. Philip, I realized that the Christian facade I had been forced to put up wasn't necessary here. I didn't have to be afraid of admitting that I've read all the Twilight books and liked them or that I think most Christian music is poorly written. I can talk with the pastors like they're real people, not that they are up on a pedestal and highly revered. They have lives and problems and aren't scared to admit that.
This process has also taught me that I really am not the kind of person who can benefit from a large church. Our mid-week advent service only had about 20 people this week. We sat in the sanctuary in a few chairs in a circle with candles lit and acoustic music. And some people thought it was boring and admitted that. Wow. I've learned that it is more noble to come to God as you are, even if you don't give a hoot about anything He says, than to lie and pretend that you really do believe the words to popular Christian songs and follow them every day.
God's taught me that a private "quiet time" is dangerous. I am more likely to think God is out to get me when I'm sitting and praying alone than when I'm discussing theology with others. I have to be in communication with others in order to communicate with God. When left alone I will fail and I will get frustrated, lost in my own imperfect thoughts and unreliable emotions. When I took the false emotionality out of my faith as I left evangelical protestantism and became a mainliner, I found myself freer as a believer than ever before. No more pretending. No more lying. No more beating myself up. Only God and the me who hadn't ever seen the sun, barren of the clown disguise I hid myself behind. God can take me as I am, with all of my imperfections laid out on the ground like a yard sale.
I may be wrong. Someday I may change my mind. But as I've always hoped and prayed for, even before this transformation, I want to be genuine. Not the false sense now, but truly. Purely. And without fear.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Something that is NOT victorian literature
Monday, April 7, 2008
Lockwood Kipling
RDB: Beast and Man in India
Most people don’t walk what they talk at least in some facet of their life. Kipling makes this observation several times in his book Beast and Man in India. Hindus are known to worship cows and cattle, and the Hindu canon promotes ahimsa, nonviolence, but yet there is still animal cruelty occurring among Hindu believers. Kipling says that, “The Hindu worships the cow, and as a rule is reluctant to take the life of any animal except in sacrifice. But that does not preserve the ox, the horse, and the ass from being unmercifully beaten, over-driven, over-laden, under-fed, and worked with sores under their harness…”.[1] People don’t like following rules, even ones that they elect to follow. It is so easy for humans to underscore the importance of rules and justify breaking them from time to time. Take your average diet for instance. The Atkins diet prescribes a decreased use of carbs and higher protein intake. But when it’s Aunt Susie’s birthday and she’s having ice cream cake, maybe the idea of less carbs doesn’t sound so good.
Atkins Diet[2]
Kipling also comments that ”The topsy-turvy morality of the East would give a higher place to the…Hindu, who would die sooner than eat flesh, but who would also rather die than touch or help a dying man of a low caste near his door, than to the English lady whose life is spent in active beneficence, but who is defiled by eating beef and approaching the dead body of a pig.”[3] As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I find it much more important to value human life as opposed to animal life if there is a choice, and it seems Kipling may agree with me here. I would imagine the Hindu to have the same response as the priest or Levite in the story of The Good Samaritan. If the hurt man in the story was of a low caste, the Hindu wouldn’t stop to help him because it would violate his dignity. This is not to say that he might actually help, or that any of us wouldn’t do the same thing as the priest of Levite, but I find Kipling’s observation quite interesting.
The Good Samaritan[4]
Like most things, what appears on the surface is often more inviting than what lies below. For example, Kipling cites the animal hospitals of India as being an example of mercy to many people, but in actuality, there is more cruelty going on to animals than if they were left to die on their own. The hospital rational is as follows: “Ritual reverence for life does not include the performance of acts of mercy. It is enough to save the animal from immediate death, and to place food within its reach. So you see there creatures with unset broken limbs, with hoofs eighteen inches long, and monstrous wens.”[5] No doubt there is also neglect in hospitals for humans as well, but it is important to practice what you preach. It seems their idea of nonviolence should encompass animals in pain, but it unfortunately does not, and this is definitely a cause for concern.
[1] John Lockwood Kipling, Beast and Man in India (London: Macmillan and Co., 1891), 3.
[2] The Atkins Approved Diet, http://www.best-diet-4-life.com/atkins.gif
[3] Kipling, Beast and Man in India, 10.
[4] The Good Samaritan, http://www.saintmarymagdalene.org.uk/images/module1/Window_Good_SamaritanDscn4816.jpg
[5] Kipling, Beast and Man in India, 11.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Kim 1
Kim reminds me of “Aladdin”. Aladdin is just a little urchin like Kim, but is found by Jafar (Mahbub) and has to do his bidding—stealing a lamp from a cave.
Aladdin in the Cave of Wonders[1]
So far, Kim seems to be a classic story of deception. Kimball O’Hara can choose between pursuing the River of the Arrow with his lama as a chela or live a life of danger mixed up with Mahbub and his schemes.
Ghats at Benares circa 1900[2]
Either way, he is lying about his identity. When he is with the lama in Umballa, he enjoys lying about the amount of information he knows about the war, “Kim warmed to the game, for it reminded him of experiences in the letter-carrying line, when, for the sake of a few pice, he pretended to know more than he knew. But now he was playing for larger things—the sheer excitement and the sense of power.”[3] He also has to deceive and be crafty in order to be
part of Mahbub’s crew. After he gives the message from Mahbub to the Englishman, “…Kim took up the money; but for all his training, he was Irish enough by birth to reckon silver the least part of any game. What he desired was the visible effect of action; so, instead of slinking away, he lay close in the grass and wormed nearer to the house.”[4]
Despite Kim’s torn desires, he still seems to care about the lama more than deception. On his way to the school, he meets up with him and expresses his desire to remain with him still, “ ‘I am all alone in this land; I know not where I go nor what shall befall me. My heart was in that letter I sent thee. Except for Mahbub Ali…I have no friend save thee, Holy One.”[5] Since Kim has no living parents, the lama must serve as his caretaker. Despite all that Kim learns from Mahbub, he wants to learn the ways of the lama as well. The lama is home base to him; a place of safety.
A Tibetan Lama[6]
Sometimes I feel this way too. Though I don’t spend my time deceiving people, nor do I care to do so, it is hard to not have torn desires as a college student. In some ways, I want to learn things on my own or learn how to run my life from my friends, even if they aren’t always wise (Like Kim’s learning from Mahbub). At the same time, however, I also want to learn from my parents who know so much more about life than I do. Kim is very open to learning new things and experiencing everything that he can, but I wonder how much trouble this will get him into later in the novel.
Our society promotes the idea of living on the edge and being free and open to everything all at the same time. We’ve got more opportunities than we used to, this much is obvious, but by being open are we really closing ourselves off? Can we no longer specialize? We talked earlier in the semester about the liberal arts degree. We said that it is good to have a broad education because it makes us more valuable, but will this later keep us from having people who are actually educated in and proficient at what they do? If we become too universal, we’ll have to make up our minds and pick something someday when we are in dire straits.
“We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.”- Aneurin Bevan.[7]
[1] Aladdin- Cave of Wonders, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDZVqaHQt3E
[2] Ghats at Benares, http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/3320628.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=86F19F6C94FCC84FC9FD8BB0CB926FCAA55A1E4F32AD3138
[3] Rudyard Kipling, Kim (New York: W.W. Norton and Company, 2002), 43.
[4] Kipling, Kim, 34.
[5] Ibid, 104.
[6] Old Lama, http://www.reincarnations.co.uk/images/old-lama.jpg
[7] Indecision Quotes, http://www.paralumun.com/quotesindecision.htm
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Jashan 2008
On Friday night I went to the Jashan festival on the South Mall with my roommate. We had a great time! The Festival featured dancing and singing as well as several informational booths about different aspects of
I also visited a booth where you could try on Indian clothes. Most Indian women are a lot shorter than me, so most of what they had was too small, but I did manage to put an outfit together. I felt kind of insensitive and tourist-y while dressing up, but I guess that is the point.
Me "blending in"
In addition to dressing up and travel, there were booths that featured Indian games such as cricket and hoopla (both very fun), architecture, performing arts, community service, language, henna, Bollywood, and of course, food. The performing arts booth featured a man playing a sitar and another man playing a set of drums. I’d never seen a sitar in real life before, so that was definitely a treat for me.
The dancers on stage were also very fun to watch. I was able to see three different groups perform and each had a slightly different style. The first group was a bit more contemporary, but the third group was very traditional. There were moments I wanted to get up and dance too! Something about dancing and music really brings people together, from people who don’t know hardly anything about a culture to people who have been raised in that culture their entire lives.
Facts about Indian Architecture
My favorite part by far would have to be the food. Though I didn’t purchase dinner, my roommate and I enjoyed a drink called Mango Lassi. We had had this before at an Indian restaurant on Guadalupe past MLK called The Clay Pit and knew how tasty it is. The drink is mostly straight up mango juice (something Conrad would love, of course) with milk and sugar; like a smoothie, but with more ice. Hopefully I’ll learn to replicate this for the future.
I gathered that the point of us going to this event as extra credit was to experience another culture and to feel out of place. I definitely felt that way. There were other people at the event besides UT students: mostly older Indian community members. I didn’t feel unwelcome there because I am white, but I did feel like I was intruding a bit into another culture and their traditions. I didn’t want to make the “adults” think I was being disrespectful by being there. This is something I have felt before, even earlier this year. My roommate goes to a church that is comprised of mostly Chinese-Americans and I visited a few times. The people were friendly, but my lack of knowledge of Asian culture definitely was apparent and I was worried about making a faux pas. I think the unique challenge to me in visiting events from other cultures is my height: I’m usually taller than most women and in the case of Vietnamese and Chinese-Americans, I’m taller than the men as well. This makes me feel more conspicuous, but I think visiting things like Jashan is a good way to get over this feeling.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The Light of Asia
In the note on Sir Edwin Arnold, I came across a quote that reminded me of a book I read last year: “Thenceforward his soul was seized with just one consuming passion: to communicate to his countrymen in England, in the language native to them, the vision he had seen of India,… It was this vision he pledged himself to convey, be it in song or speech or story, ‘for England; O Our India! As dear to me as She.’ “[1]
A Beautiful Indian Landscape[2]
Last spring I read The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri after reading her short stories book in an English course.
A movie based on the book The Namesake. I haven’t seen it but I’ve heard it is pretty good.[3]
I really enjoy her writing because she does what Sir Edwin Arnold does in his poem: she brings out the beauty of India. I don’t remember the plot very well now, but the story really inspired me to want to travel to India someday. Even though I still don’t know much about India or Buddhism, I want to learn more so that when I do visit, I know more about the culture of the people there.
Like Nhuy, I also found connections between The Light of Asia and Christianity. The story about Siddartha and the swan reminds me of a story in the Bible in 1 Kings. Two prostitutes came to see King Solomon. Each woman had a baby, but one of the babies
died during the night. The woman whose baby died traded her baby for the other and placed the dead baby with the other woman. Now there is a fight about whose baby is still alive and the women argue before the king. Solomon says that he will cut the baby in half and give half to each woman. The true mother argued against this, saying that it would be better to spare the life of the child and give him to the other woman than to kill him. The other woman said that it was best to kill him so that neither woman would have him. Solomon then gave the baby to the woman who said not to kill him because she was the true mother.[4]
The Judgment of Solomon[5]
Likewise in the poem, an unknown priest makes nearly the same verdict: “ ‘If life be aught, the savior of a life/ Owns more the living thing than he can own/ Who sought to slay—the slayer spoils and wastes,/ The cherisher sustains, give him the bird:’.”[6] This also sounds a lot like the Jain principle of ahimsa- nonviolence. It was best to minimize violence than to obey the laws of ownership.
I haven’t decided quite yet how I feel about Jainism and Buddhism. I understand how they work, but not how they fit with what I believe. Perhaps it will take more research. But learning about the two has definitely made me more conscious of the differences in world beliefs and also the similarities in the ideals they promote.
[1] Sir Edwin Arnold, The Light of India (New Delhi: Crest Publishing House, 1879), 7.
[2] Beauty of India, http://www.johansentravel.com/images/Beauty%20of%20India%20(37).jpg
[3] The Namesake Preview, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sOaA-4Y8tI
[4] The Bible, I Kings 3: 16-28. Also available: http://bibleresources.bible.com/passagesearchresults.php?passage1=I+Kings+3%3A+16-28&passage2=&passage3=&passage4=&passage5=&version1=31&version2=0&version3=0&version4=0&version5=0&Submit.x=0&Submit.y=0
[5] The Judgment of Solomon, http://guardiansatlaw.org/solomon.htm
[6] Arnold, The Light of India, 19.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Victorians in Asia
The best way to help the environment is really just to be practical, not coat earth-saving techniques in religious jargon. As the author mentions, this doesn’t really work, “It should be noted…that this…has not prevented environmental degradation”.[iv] One practical thing I personally do to help the environment as well as just be a good citizen is to go to the Waller Creek Clean-Up each semester. This allows me to do at least something small that is beneficial to the earth, even if it has to be done often.
Waller Creek Clean-Up[v]
Cleaning up the earth isn’t about doing it for show: either for showing off piety, compassion, or trendiness. It is about keeping the world clean. This seems obvious, but our new ideas about “living green” blind us into believing that “saving the earth” is just a passing fad, and that it is something that is only available to the rich. The “green” products cost more than the non-green ones, which seems really counter-intuitive. I would definitely support being “green” if it didn’t cost so much green.
To sum up, the Jains have a good idea. But I think it is a bit extreme. As per my own beliefs, I believe that God created all plants for food, as He says in Genesis 1:29: “Then God said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you;”.[vi]
Fruits bearing Seed[vii]
[i] Lawrence E. Sullivan, Preface in Jainism and Ecology: Nonviolence in the Web of Life, ed. Christopher Key Chapple (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 2002), xxv.
[ii] L. Ron Hubbard, “The Way to Happiness” brochure
[iii] An Inconvenient Truth Trailer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XMn_Ry3z6M
[iv] Sullivan, Jainism and Ecology, xxiv.
[v] Waller Creek, http://www.utexas.edu/tmm/sponsored_sites/waller/
[vi] Genesis 1:29, also available http://bibleresources.bible.com/passagesearchresults.php?passage1=Genesis+1&version=49.
[vii] Fruitful, http://www.pathlights.com/theselastdays/images/fruitful.jpg