Christmas Party

I went to a Christmas party last Saturday. I don't always love these, but the host couple was people we don't see much, so we were kind of obligated to attend. Upon arriving at the party, we found that due to some Christian university rules, we couldn't have alcohol, and we'd stopped along the way for a bottle of wine.

We knew going in that this party wouldn't consist of people we usually spent time with, and weren't sure who was showing up anyway. The instant I walked in the door, I felt judged. The other wives, including the hostess, didn't try to engage me in much conversation and sat in the corner, whispering and giggling. Austin and I, though both extroverts, get scared at parties, and usually take the spot in the kitchen, pouring drinks and serving food. It's what we do at our house, why not make life easier for the host? But Charlie kept pushing me, "I can introduce you to anyone here, Holly. Who do you want to meet? Go spend time with the girls!" Oh but Charlie, I have a phobia of girls. Have had it since I was 15. This reminds me too much of feeling left out in my high school cafeteria. Please don't make me talk to the types of girls who have shunned me (and who I, admittedly, shunned back) since my teens. "I'll just stay and help my husband, thanks."

As the evening progressed and we worked our way through the white elephant gift exchange, I felt more and more annoyed. Some of "our people" eventually showed up and that helped considerably, but I still felt like I was ignored because we're so far below the poverty line and because my husband is so easily excitable and loud (that annoys some people I guess).

Why should I feel so left out? Everyone there was the same age as us, the married folks had only been married just a few months before us (much to our chagrin), and we were all raised in evangelical protestant homes. But I think that was just it. We're "rogues" now. We left evangelical protestantism and became "mainliners", or as they would mistakenly call us, "liberal christians". As a result, we think some swearing, drinking of alcohol, and honesty is ok. We don't think emotionalizing our relationship with God is. That makes us outcasts now, along with the fact that everyone else came from wealthy homes and are making decent salaries. I don't think any other couple there would be able to survive on what we have (we barely do!). I guess that makes me proud, but I sure wish we had just $600 more per month. If we had that, I think we'd feel like we were living as kings.

On the drive home with another one of our "rogue" friends (an evangelical protestant, but one who was recently accused of being "emergent", who is 30 and has served in the military for over 10 years), we talked about what made that party so unwelcoming. We had all grown apart from that and would never return. We were bound to lose those friendships anyway; they were too "busy" to spend time with people anymore, least of all us.

I didn't lose friends when I first became Lutheran. But now we are.

I've always been passionate about this topic, but I think now I'm going to spend more time on it. After reading Forbidden Fruit by Mark Regnerus this summer and concluding a more in-depth study of it this afternoon, I've decided it's time to put my thoughts on paper about the problems with the treatment of sex in the church today.

I'm not going to write another Christian abstinence book, nor am I going to conduct a study on whether teens care about what the church says, as that has all been done before me, sometimes well, sometimes poorly. My aim is to figure out why so many of the girls I went to high school youth group with are now single mothers and what can be done to ensure this isn't a continuing trend.

I've always been frustrated with how the church talks about sex, especially with teen girls. It seems most often they aren't given the same amount of attention as the boys. We're told simply to "guard our hearts" and wait for our husbands to sweep us off our feet and give us the best marital sex in the world. Well, I know personally that it doesn't always work that way. Those who wait often end up wildly disappointed when their idealized notions of sex end up being wrong and those who don't wait often end up pregnant, infected, or misused.

I also want to look into the education of married adults about sex and what their ideas are doing to the institution of marriage. With so much emphasis on abstinence, Christians are left with no real information about what sex and marriage are supposed to look like. Or that they are even good. But how can we change this? Is there any one effective means?

This is just a starting point. But I'm so passionate about this that it is stupid to sit on the sidelines and let other people express the same ideas in disjointed form.